HAR-D-HAR IMPROV
MEET THE TEAM!
"LIEUTENANT"Â DAN VOINIS
The fearful leader, Dan Voinis is a Sophomore at UT who is majoring in Slinky Studies. After the tragic loss of his right flip flop, Dan went on a soul-searching journey that eventually led him to a Tibetan Monastery, where the monks taught him the art of Improv. At the age of 19, he has spent over 30 years practicing this trade. He plans on using these skills to survive the coming apocalypse. The son of famous paper-folder Jimothy Voinis, Dan is a Libra, enjoys lasagna, and has a mortal fear of yellow socks.
JORDAN "WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU" CLEMENS
Jordan was born with a horrific genetic mutation to always talk out of his ass. Believing himself cursed, he became very cynical and retreated into his personal temple until he was called upon to do two jobs: be the marching band’s DJ and use his talking out of his ass skills to bring down others with with similar abilities. However, four years of bringing people down and being the unappreciated DJ of the band made Jordan vow to never again use his abilities again, except in the instance of self defense, once he immigrated to UT. However, when he least expected it, the Curiosity Wizard compelled him to try out for Hard D Har and Jordan decided to use his abilities for good, not evil.
MATTHEW "BUY ONE GET ONE" FREEMAN
As his name suggests, Matthew is the 14th cousin (thrice removed) of famous sexy-voice-man Morgan Freeman. Matthew is currently a Sophomore at UT studying the Physics of Cats. A brilliant scientist, he was involved in a freak lab accident that fused his DNA with that of a bowl of Jello. This gave him special powers of improvisation, the likes of which the world has never seen. Matthew enjoys short walks on the beach, banjos, and his turnoffs include homicide and Michael Jackson impersonators.
"THE" SIM "CARD" SINGH
The "Sim Card" is originally from the 401, also known as the pathetic state of Rhode Island. Aside from sarcasm, she is fluent in How I Met Your Mother quotes. She majors in procrastination and can name all fifty states in alphabetical order in under 20 seconds. Her most notable achievement is being Vin Diesel's stunt double in the Fast and Furious franchise which gave her a stepping stone into the world of improvisation. In her spare time, she enjoys counting bricks on walls.
NRI "DURAN" DURAN
Nri hails from a strange and foreign land, a faraway place called Canada. Early Spanish explorers discovered him deep in the jungles in 1542, but quickly left him alone once they realized that he had no gold and could only communicate in early 90's TV theme songs. Since then, Nri has traveled the world, seeking out the perfect ice cream sandwich. His search has led him to Austin, and the University of Texas, where he uses the ancient Canadian art of improv to fund his quest. Nri's favorite color is invisible, and in his free time he likes to stare at the sun and pretend he's a plant.
EMILY "CHEMISTRY 30-" FROELICH
Emily Froelich used to work long hours as an elf at Santa’s workshop (explaining her stumpy size, annoying voice, and her obsession with peppermint) but now studies Minecraft Sciences at UT. Realizing that she no longer needs to use her elf magic to bring joy to children across the world, she pawned her powers off to a demon in exchange for humanity’s greatest sin: Improv acting. No longer bound by the chains of holiday-consumerism, Emily likes wrestling bears for raw salmon and writing stories about a delightfully mischievous wizard named Scrumpo.
"CORPUS" CHRIS B.
After Christopher Battey retired from his career in exterminating dragons and their many kin from eastern Bavaria, he came to the University of Texas as a Junior where he somehow teaches a class in hunting “fictional” creatures in spite of his status as an undergraduate. When he isn’t hunting creatures or teaching people to hunt said creatures, Chris spends most of his time as a multi-instrumentalist in a pre-post-punk-pop rock hip hop group where he plays the violitubiguitar, a creation of his own that has been banned in no fewer than seventeen countries for the ear shattering sounds it produces.
"TEARDROP ON MICAH-TAR" BAKER
Once upon a time, Micah Baker wasn’t born... He was FORGED from the fires of Mount Olympus. He was called “The God of Improv” and all the mortals bowed down to his powers. Until one day, when The God of Improv proved more powerful than the other gods, and he was banished. He took on the name Micah, came to Austin, and began prancing around as a mortal. While attending UT, Micah pursued a major in English, because he wanted to be a waiter for the rest of his life. If you ask Micah where he lives, he’ll say “in the moment.” One time, Michael Jackson referred to Micah as “the man in the mirror.” He communicates only through quips and sleeps like a bat. Micah pretends he’s a 19 year old freshman that has friends. Say his name three times, and... he probably won’t appear, because he’s too busy rearranging the skittles in color-coordinated piles. If you want to find Micah, go to the intersection of two parallel roads.
ADRIANNA "GIVE 'EM" "H'ELLIS"
Raised in a cat sanctuary, Adrianna learned the hard survival skills necessary in a world of hard survival. Then she became a sophomore studying Microsoft Word in order to promote the change she wants to see in cat sanctuaries. She looks down upon anyone who uses Google Docs, Apple Pages or any other inferior word processor. If you have a problem with that she wants to throw hands. In her spare time she loiters and observes. Her experience in Microsoft Word and dreidel woodworking have prepared her for improv comedy. By her forties, Adrianna plans to be a pug.
"BUT WAIT THERE'S" MORGAN HILL
​In effort to refrain from sounding terse,
Do I Employ on page this rhyming verse.
And though tis far more oft these jesters speak
From point of view of distant person third,
Alack, as sunlight streams between the clouds,
My extra nature doth shine through this word.
But this my improv backstory you seek,
A tale of winding puns and jokes unique;
Within a gift shop's prison globe of snow,
Entrapped, Icy a friendly name I know.
As chocolate Frosty's descend from above,
O' Jendy, do I pledge to ye my love.
The gracious being offered me a lift,
And laughed when asked if had got my drift.
But then that salt soon hit me in the gut,
When Jendy said, O' Dwight, ye ign'rant slut.
"HE WENT TO" JARED HENNEBERGER
Forged in the heart of a dying Improv troupe, Jared Henneberger was gifted with the power of Comedy, but cursed by the tragic past he suffered to get it. He has defeated some of the world’s worst villains, yet struggles to defeat his own inner demons. So many times have the harsh winds of catastrophe taken from him those that he clings to most. There are none who can understand the shadow that towers before him. None that can relate to the futility of protecting the human race. And none that can fathom how his handsome composure makes it hard to go anywhere without being asked to sign a baby.
GRANT "IT'S" MILLER "TIME"
One of the last descendants of a proud line of ancient warriors, Grant was banished for asking what prisoner’s use to call each other (they use cell phones). Exiled from his own country, Grant roamed the Pacific Ocean on foot, searching for a place to call home. He came across a particularly well-educated school of fish, who took him in and taught him the sacred art of improv. Today, he studies aquatic acrobatics as a sophomore at UT. His hobbies include bullying old people, forwarding chain emails, and collecting broken lightbulb filaments.
"PUT IT ON MY" TABITHA KAISER
A “Herbal” “Medicine” “Major” Tabitha grew up in the rough part of campus (Jester), and when asked about her time there, her eyes glaze over, she looks off into the distance and says, in a voice that sounds like she's gargling gravel, "The things I've seen... they've changed me..." Whatever happened, Tabitha learned how to improv like no other, and now she wows the stage every other Wednesday night. Her darkest secret is a deep shade of gray (she is adamant that black is not a color, but a shade) Tabitha hates tangerines and she wants you to know that.
AUSTIN "SON OF A" VEACH
​I used to unironically go by “Phoneix” in middle school, but now I’ve learned the errors of my way and would greatly appreciate just being called my real name, Austin. One time I met Ludacris, but I didn’t even know it was him, so that’s pretttyyyy crazy – NO WAIT… it was Ludacris! Ha, yeah… I’m currently trying to become a youtuber, and I already have 8 subscribers. So, I guess when you look at me you can be like, yeah… dreams really do come true.
